I'll just come out and say it: Breaking up with a girl is the most difficult thing you'll ever do in your life, and that includes all the kidney stones, ball cancers and "Bad Boys" sequels you'll have to experience. (God knows you'll hate "Bad Boys 3: The Most Racist One Yet!") Lucky you, though, there are options for exiting a relationship that don't include pulling the trigger yourself. All it takes is a tiny push here and a little prod there, and your girlfriend of two weeks, 10 days or 13 years will be doing the dirty deed for
The following establishments will likely help you get dumped, you Goddamn coward.
Coyote Ugly Saloon
Speaking of really bad Jerry Bruckheimer movies, this cowgirl-themed saloon (made famous by the terrible titular movie) is a great place to piss off your girlfriend—and it never charges cover! I would suggest paying loads of attention to the "Coyotes," which is Coyote Ugly lingo for the, uh, well-built, barely dressed barmaids that work behind and dance atop the bar. (You'll know them by their cowboy hats, cowboy boots and cowboy hot pants.) Your lady friend will really appreciate that. Oh, and tell Dianna I said hi—she's a keeper.
Hogs & Honeys
Hogs & Honeys, so many vivid images flood to mind when I hear your name, but mostly just honey-glazed pig meat, attractive women surrounded by cops and attractive women surrounded by cops knee-deep in a room full of honey-glazed pig meat. In reality, H & H looks like a cross between a Western-themed dive bar and Applebee's, with old and crusty stickers, posters and knick knacks covering every wall and window (including random decorative construction hats, presumably to up the manliness factor). On weekends, you'll find plenty of scantily clad and attractive young ladies to hit on while your girlfriend (soon to be ex!) looks on from afar. But if you really want to seal the deal? Make her ride the mechanical bull and then push her off. Or not. Whichever.
Early to Bed
Sex toys, in and of themselves, can actually be a boon to your dull and dragging relationship. In fact, they can potentially prove to your lady friend that you care more about making her feel good than you do yourself. But this article is about de-booning your relationship, not making it better! So the strategy for Early to Bed, Chicago's premiere sex shop, is to buy a bunch of sex-related items, like comfy leather wrist restraints, the Dream Boat G-spot Vibrator and the massive silicone Outlaw Dildo ($120), neglect to tell her about them and litter the receipts all around your apartment. There's no telling what kind of message this will send, but I guarantee it won't be a good one.
VIP's: A Gentleman's Club
This one speaks for itself. The phrase "gentleman's club" is a kinder way of saying strip club, and despite that fact, surprising your girlfriend by bringing her to VIP's on, say, her birthday or your anniversary, will make her no less furious. Indeed, she'll probably say something like, "What kind of gentleman would come here?!?" (She's got you there.) Like any strip club, the cover's high ($20), the customers are either desperate bachelors or businessmen and the topless dancers are hit and miss—but when they hit, they really, really hit. Likely, too, will your girlfriend, and right where it hurts the most. Sorry.
For you macho men and borderline homophobes, this next locale may be the most difficult to go to, but it's a sure-fire way to get your girlfriend to cut the rope (noose?) and kick your relationship to the curb. So quit being a baby and dance the night away at Berlin. I recommend stopping by on Prince Night, when the DJ plays Prince music all night long, or Twisted Wednesdays, when you can get dumped in costume. Because the moment she sees you on the disco dance-floor being all touchy-feely with some enormous guy named Bruce, she'll have no choice but to end your relationship in as civil a way as possible. And that, my friends, is an incredible accomplishment indeed.
DISCLAIMER: This is not true for every girl. Indeed, some ladies will love the fact that you took them to these places. For example, I once took a girlfriend to a strip club and she loved it—a little too much, if you ask me. It's your job to know what kind of girl you're dating, and whether or not she likes going to places that demean her.
P.S. Please don't tell my wonderful girlfriend that I wrote this article.