For many Midwestern folk (myself included), the best thing about summer is not the actual heat that leaves you red in the face and stained in the pits, but rather the romantic heat that burns raw between two human hearts like an open nerve, pulsating on the precipice of erotic implosion. Hence the reason so many American movies with the word "Heat" in the title have been so successful ("Heat," "Body Heat," "Red Heat," "White Heat," "In the Heat of the Night," "Caged Heat" and "Private XXX 13: Sexual Heat.")
And so it goes with the dating guide you currently find yourself reading—and enjoying! See, the good thing about a hot, hot, hot (and sticky) summer romance is that it can sometimes make you forget how literally warm your un-air-conditioned surroundings truly are. Matter of fact, sexual heat and actual heat often go hand in sweaty hand. Thankfully, this guide is guaranteed (Ed. note: No, it's not) to best utilize both for the betterment of your lascivious love life, on into forever, ever, ever. Echo, echo, echo.
Wings Around the World
Good hot wings are a lot like a good woman—in that they make love to your mouth sloppily and, ultimately, embarrassingly. Awesomely, Wings Around the World, while not exactly the Helen of Troy of wing restaurants (it looks sort of like a Gamestop, only crappier), makes the best damned woman in the entire city of Chicago...next to yours, of course! Flavors are categorized by the country they may or may not have originated from: Jaimaica (fire jerk and honey jerk), China (sweet and sour and sweet ginger BBQ), India (curry and cosmic curry), Canada (maple and Montreal madness), Japan (teriyaki and kamikaze—hot!), Mexico (jalepeno and chipotle), America (BBQ and buffalo) and Greece (lemon garlic and zesty orange). Prices depend on how many you get: $4 for 5, $7 for 10, $9 for 15, $13 for 20, $16 for 30, $25 for 50, $50 for 100, $250 for 500 and $450 for 1000. I know what you're thinking: 1000 kamikaze hot wings, coming up.
G-Boutique
Sometimes it gets so hot that you just don't want to wear anything at all. However, wearing nothing can be really, really unflattering. The good thing about sexy lingerie is that it can 'heat' things up, cool things down and make things more attractive ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Luckily, at the flowery pink G-Boutique, you can find just about anything when it comes to lingerie, from teddies ($112) to bustiers ($100-$200) to corsets ($250-$480) to thongs ($24-$44) to brassieres ($12-$180) to garters and garter belts ($26-$64), which every guy everywhere loves for some unknown, Jungian reason. The shop also sells sex toys and other sexy sex items, but that's for another dating guide altogether.
Pilates (or Yoga, or Dance) in the Park
Easily the best, healthiest way to "warm up" with your lover is to work out with the rising sun in Millennium Park on Saturdays. And did I mention that it's free? The mass, weekly workouts come in the form of Yoga (8 a.m), Pilates (9 a.m.), Dance (10 a.m.) and more. As the old saying goes—the couple that works out together, stays together. Or something.
Halsted Street Beach Tanning
There's nothing quite as attractive to members of the opposite sex as the wrinkled, leathery lines that develop from a lifetime full of tanning, either in or out of the tanning booth. And what's more adorably romantic than matching tans that defy both the laws of physics and of tactfulness? Nothing, says Halsted Street Beach Tanning, the place to go for all your skin-darkening needs. Lying on your back inside the warm embrace of a tanning booth is almost like returning to the womb (only more expensive, physically possible and twice as smelly); maybe that's why people love it so much. Monthly memberships cost between $10 (ten minutes per day in the "super bed") and $95 (unlimited minutes in the bed of your choice). Now, if only they had a dual "love seat" tanning booth for you to share your shallow (self) love-fest with your partner...
Be Well
The perfect end to the perfect dating guide about going on hot dates. Seriously, what better way is there to connect to your significant other on an emotional, personal, physical, philosophical, therapeutic and THERMAL level than going to a spa, receiving a massage and, most importantly, relaxing in the pore-cleansing, drench-inducing steam sauna they provide? None, zero, zip, that I'm aware of. The massage therapy is derived from Asian methods (no Swedish beefcakes here), particularly Meridian muscular therapy (whatever that means), in conjunction with herbal remedies designed to thoroughly soothe your aching, stressed-out body in precisely the manner that it deserves. The couples package costs $160, is an hour long and includes candles and aromatherapy upon request. Request away.
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