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Is my girlfriend addicted to porn and is it okay to keep pics of your exes?

Monday Feb 04, 2008.     By Anna Pulley

Dating Feed

Dear Maven,

I just met this awesome girl and we've been dating for a little over a month. Problem is—she wants to watch YouPorn.com all the goddamned time. Now we can't have sex without watching Russian lesbians on her damn laptop. I'm not one of those chicks who hates porn, but I'm starting to feel like sloppy seconds! Am I overreacting?

Sincerely,
Hate Undeserving Russian Lesbians

A: Da (that's Russian for "yes"), HURL, you are overreacting. You should never look a gift porn in the mouth, especially when it involves Russian lesbians. (They fight like motherf**kers!) Is it unreasonable that your girlfriend can't have sex without porn? Yes. It's bordering on addictive behavior and dependency, two things that shouldn't happen until at least three months into the relationship. But I don't like to throw the word "addiction" around (I have a weak rotator cuff, okay?), because there is a difference between addiction and someone who's simply disregarding your feelings. Judging from your use of swear words, I'm betting it's the latter.

Have you tried repeatedly calling her a Communist to help her kick the Russian habit? (It worked for the US government, after all.) If that doesn't work, try designating certain days when she can indulge in the activity. Since Tuesday became Porn Day here at Centerstage, we've all been much more productive, happy people. Or, tell her to whack it to Ivana Fistoyevsky on her own time like everyone else does.

For a less helpful, but more passive aggressive approach, make irritating comments about the quality of the "films" she's watching. Be sure to channel pretentious film critics and use words like "cinema verite" and "mise en scene." Your girlfriend will then be too annoyed to orgasm. The downside to this, of course, is that she'll also be too annoyed to pay you any attention.

Dear Maven,

My boyfriend has a pic of his ex in his phone. He says, "What's the big deal? When I get a new phone the pic will be gone, but for now, I'll just keep it." I say, "Why do you need a pic of your ex with you all the time?" He says the pic itself is good. (He's a photographer.) Do I have a leg to stand on here? Does he? Should I be bothered or just let it go?

~Sara

A: Do you have a leg to stand on? Look, Sara, I'm not going to get involved with your kinky sex habits. But I will say that it's probably not a big deal. Lots of people have pictures of their exes. Some keep them around for nostalgia purposes or due to sheer laziness, while others hold on to them so that they have something to quietly masturbate to when their girlfriends are asleep or at work.

I have to say, though, that "it's a good picture" doesn't really hold water as a justification for keeping it. I have some good pictures of Mother Theresa (Nun of Your Business happened to be the theme of my junior prom), but that doesn't mean I'm carting them around with me every day. "Would you look at the high res quality of that habit and vestment? Ooh wee!" (Forgive me, Mother.)

The real reason you don't like the pic is jealousy. You don't want to be reminded that your boyfriend had a past that didn't include you, which is understandable, especially if your boyfriend is John Travolta. A less helpful, more passive aggressive approach to this dilemma would be to buy him a new phone. Or, if you can't afford one, simply Photoshop John Travolta's head onto his ex's body.

Speaking of libidinous demigods past their prime, there's really nothing sexier than participating in democracy. Go vote, February 5!

Anna Pulley, our Meet-Market Maven, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.