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Spurting and Flirting

On jilling like a pro and the tricky business of dating your ex's friend.

Tuesday May 27, 2008.     By Anna Pulley

Dating Feed

Dear Maven,

We've all heard that every woman has the ability to ejaculate, and believe me I've been trying! I've watched YouPornos, enlisted the help of some lovely men and women, and even tried to just push one out. Last week, during a particularly awesome masturbation sesh I think I came close, but only a little come came. Do you know if ejaculation is always the sheet-soaking scene it's portrayed as in pornos?

Thanks!
Wanna Jill Like a Pro

Dear Jill,

Ejaculation is a lot like Mariah Carey: just when you've given up hope, whazam! Here come the record deals and reality television shows. That is to say, you shouldn't be discouraged by a few failed squirt attempts and an unflattering photo spread in Rolling Stone magazine. It may be more difficult for you to ejaculate because of weak pelvic floor muscles or an inability to relax. It takes patience, perseverance and at least a dozen Wet Naps to learn how to properly go with the flow. I'd now like to offer you ejaculation advice to the tune of the New Kids on the Block classic, "Step by Step."

Step 1: Empty your bladder, Son
Pee before you start so you can rest assured that anything that happens won't be golden.

Step 2: Time to Turn On You
Do whatever it takes to get yourself hot and bothered. Porn, The Software Developers Journal, whatev. The more aroused you are, the better.

Step 3: Have You Met Your G
Insert a finger or two or a curved toy (I prefer fingers because you have a better idea of what’s going on in there) and feel the front inside wall of your vagina, about one finger length up. It will feel rough or raised the more you stimulate it.

Step 4: Don't Think of Al Gore Keep applying firm, consistent pressure to the area and make sure to stay aroused and relaxed. You may feel the need to urinate but don't worry, we took care of that in Step 1.

Step 5: The Time to Gush has Arrived
Engage your pelvic muscles (the ones that stop the flow of urine) if you feel it coming on but nothing seems to be coming out. When you do ejaculate, a clear fluid will come out of your urethra, sometimes as much as a quarter of a cup, which is not even enough to make fritters with, so don't bother trying.

As far as your last question goes, I think we can all agree that pornography is a completely accurate reflection of society. Have you seen "Edward Penishands"? Hello, my life!

Dear Maven,

I was dating this actress/dancer. I met her friend, who we'll call succubus #2. I met succubus #2 for dinner one night in order to give her a ride to see succubus #1's show. We got along pretty well and she confessed she would totally do me if I wasn't dating succubus #1. Succubus #1 dicked me around and dumped me due to the fact she was still somewhat involved with another, much older guy. How do I turn this into a proper soap opera and get involved with succubus #2? I'm ready to do whatever evil I must. I'm not really looking to date this girl, but a steady booty call would be optimum. I do have her phone number, and I am still on speaking terms with #1. What's the plan?

~Tricks of the Trade

Dear Tricks,

First of all, for those who aren't "in the know," i.e. avid Dungeons and Dragons players, a succubus is a demon who takes the form of a beautiful woman to seduce men, especially monks. The opposite of succubus is incubus, which is an alternative rock band from Calabasas, California.

The answer to your question is pretty simple: Potential booty-call girl already gave you the go-ahead as long as you weren't involved with her friend. So call her up. Engage the booty. The only potential problem I see is that your ex will most likely hate you for it. If you want to remain on good terms with her, meaning you want to have the option of having regrettable hook ups with her down the line, then tread lightly. But at this point, especially since you say she dicked you, I say f*ck her, by which I mean f*ck her friend.

Anna Pulley, our Meet-Market Maven, has been on more bad dates than J. Lo's been to divorce court. She's been a one-date wonder and Wonder Woman. She's bi, and no she doesn't want to sleep with your boyfriend, thanks. When she's not giving advice, she enjoys theme parties for every and any occasion and working as a Carnal Consultant for Early to Bed. Buy her a drink or ask her a question already.