Centerstage - Chicago's Original City Guide

Dear Maven,

~Dater's Block

Dear Dater's Block,

I doubt you're laughing out loud about how boring you are (ROFL!). Rule 1: Don't use "lol" when describing your personality. If it's a joke, meaning if it is actually funny, people will get it without an lol, emoticon or gratuitous punctuation!!!?@ If they don't get it, then they'll never understand you anyway so it's best to walk away now before harsh words and/or canned goods are exchanged. While we're at it, let's also cross off "living life to the fullest" (bor-ing), "partner in crime" (is this the Wild West?) and "I hate filling out these profiles!" Nobody likes trying to summarize everything that's great about him or herself in 200 words, and bitching about it wastes six of them, so don't do it. Rule 2: be as specific as possible. Many mistakes I see people make (and I actually did write profiles for singles a while ago, until my tambourine career started to take off) is that they are too vague, which renders the information pretty meaningless to people who might otherwise want to bone you. For instance, "I have a good sense of humor," means very little compared to "Judd Apatow movies make me pee my pants, but I also like dry British sitcoms." Use examples whenever you can, not adjectives. For instance, don't say, "I'm adventurous," say, "I hiked the Grand Tetons, uphill both ways, without a scarf." If you do decide to use an adjective, make sure you back it up with something concrete.

Other potential pitfalls include, "I've been hurt a lot in the past." First of all, this is not your journal and statements like this reek of emotional baggage. Besides, everyone has been hurt. Even Tyra Banks! To make a fuss over something so ordinary is akin to celebrating your bowel movements. "Guess what I just did, Honeybear!" And even more annoying than the cliched personals profile is the person who writes nothing except, "If you want to get to know me, you'll have to ask and find out." Translation: "I'm so lazy and/or above this. Can I have a blow job now?" I'm also of the mind that it's tiresome to list foods you like, unless, like me, capers are the window to your soul.