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Eco-friendly Sex Toys and Rules for a Divorcee
Thursday Aug 16, 2007.
By Anna Pulley
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Hi Maven,
Sincerely,
A: Nice try, Al Gore. I told you to take me off your mailing list, and I meant it! But if you insist, green sex toys are environmentally friendly. Sure, you buy organic, but have you thought twice about where your prized Crystal Jelly Double Dong came from? Many sex toys are going "green" because of chemicals called phthalates (not to be confused with pilates). Phthalates have been found to harm lab animals, much like Bob Sagat and really hard Sudoku puzzles, which is why they've been banned from children's toys. Sex toys aren't as closely regulated, though, so manufacturers can make toys with phthlataes without having furious soccer moms on their asses.
Before you donate your Rabbit Habit to the next Toys for Tots drive, consider this advice from Early to Bed's Education Coordinator Eden Robins: "Hard plastic and silicone toys are always phthalate free. But as for 'green' toys, it's more important that we think about changing our buying behaviors to become 'greener consumers.' If you buy a sex toy, take care of it so it doesn't break as readily and thus makes it longer lasting—take the batteries out, use a condom over it, be careful not to use it in water if it's not waterproof, buy a higher quality silicone toy, etc."
Other eco-friendly materials include metal and glass, which can easily double for post-modern art: "No Mom, I got these delightful metal salad tongs from Crate & Barrel!" For hard-core conservationists, dig this: the Solar Vibe, a bullet vibrator that comes wired to a small solar panel. And I thought I was being so avant-garde with my hemp tote bag! Saving the world is going to be much harder than I originally thought.
Dear Maven,
Sincerely, A: I hate to break this to you, but everyone has an agenda. Whether it's to find someone who shares their passion for quail hunting, someone to have crazy, anonymous sex with outside of Mall of America or someone to marry and spawn 2.5 kids. I personally won't rest until I've found someone who embodies all of these things. It's nearly impossible to determine someone's agenda; unless they're Bette Midler, in which case, sorry, because she only wants to be the wind beneath your wings. Even if you could unearth every cleverly concealed dating motive, the fact of the matter is that people change, as you obviously did during the green years of your marriage. What better excuse for making dating mistakes than being young? Like getting a tribal tattoo or listening to John Mayer, certain behaviors are more easily forgiven when done in the heydays of youth. Not that I recommend getting a divorce for the experience (or listening to John Mayer).
As you consider jumping back into the dating saddle, try not to focus on what you think other people want but what YOU want. Knowing your own agenda will make it easier to determine who you want to furiously make out with in a dry-goods pantry, versus who you just want to play an occasional round of croquet with. As Bette Midler once said, "to thine own self, be true."
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