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No-frills, real-deal bowling alleys.

Monday Dec 26, 2005.     By Quanah Humphreys

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Bowling used to nobly promote itself as the sport of the people, a pastime dominated by comb-overs, beer-frames and champions whose bodyweights were somehow relative to their bowling averages. The current trend, however, is to bury the unsavory past and rethink bowling as a high-class social experience where the lanes comes second.

Much like strip clubs reinvented themselves as "gentlemen's clubs" in the 1990s, elevating their rates to signify that they were now paragons of class, bowling alleys like the national Lucky Strike chain are keenly pursuing an upscale clientele, charging a premium for dinner and cocktails while promoting the actual bowling as an afterthought. Fortunately, authentic lanes still exist for all the alley-addicted keglers in Chicago. You know, the ones that have no intention of selling you a Zima with your shoe rental or asking you to call their snack-shack French fries "pomme frites."

Lincoln Square Lanes
The final word in old-school bowling, Lincoln Square Lanes debuted in 1918 and has been fortunate enough to survive the ebb and flow of bowling trends with its charm intact. Aside from being the oldest lanes in Chicago, Lincoln boasts another distinction: It's the only upstairs bowling alley in town. Situated right above an Ace Hardware, bowlers climb a flight of stairs and enter Lincoln's 12 lanes through the bar, a space almost as large as the bowling area itself.

Dominated by a large, red semi-circular bar, the area is separated from the lanes by a wall filled with large windows, easily allowing bowlers to keep an eye on their game while ordering drinks (and letting barflies ogle bowlers on the sly). Lincoln Square forces you to dust off your math skills (or at least sneak a calculator) and score by hand. An upstairs locker area and balcony makes a good space to survey all the lesser bowlers below, as well as an excellent area for bowlers to sneak off and smooch between frames.

Fireside Bowl
Most people know the Fireside Bowl as Chicago's late punk and all-ages rock venue, where the actual bowling lanes served as languishing decorations that just cramped everyone's style. Bowling has returned to Fireside, though, kicking the kids to the curb in favor of a retreat to its bowling roots. One would think the new Fireside might have courted the music community it catered to during its tenure as a club, tilting the decor toward a rock-n-roll crowd or evoking the spirit of its 1941 inception.

Instead, Fireside's 16 lanes and electronic scoring equipment are late-model fossils, thawed out from the lanes' initial stasis. Somewhere between a full-fledged renovation and a temporary work around, Fireside's sparse white walls and harsh fluorescent lights are modern enough for no-frills "git-r-done" bowling, but not distinct enough to elicit any letters to Dwell. The adjacent bar, however, is where the lanes' leftover character has been stashed. A visual definition of what a drink joint should be, the bar oozes a swaggering charisma, the dim lighting and ambience contrasting the sterile bowling facility just steps away.

Anchor Bowling Lanes
At one point somebody at Blue Island's Anchor Bowling Lanes thought bowling and sailing were simpatico brothers in recreation. The relationship seems to be in the midst of a break-up, however, as the decorative, airbrushed anchors adorning the walls seem to be the last holdovers from the theme, one touch–up coat of paint away from vanishing. The current owners have steered Anchor for the last 15 years and little modernization has been done in that term, but it's a great example of how a hands-off approach can foster a great atmosphere.

Teeming with a thick "Sanford & Son"-meets-"The Big Lebowski" quality, Anchor's lanes are equipped with Brunswick 2000 electronic scoring systems, beige machines of an Atari-iffic vintage, and are split by a dividing wall that separates 10 lanes from another six that are situated across from Anchor's bar, the comfy Love Boat Lounge. The red Naugahyde stools surrounding the similarly upholstered horseshoe bar are duct-taped with care, and drinks are poured stiff and cheap, a killer combination when paired with Friday's special of unlimited bowling from 10 p.m.-3 a.m. for $10, shoe rental included.

Bluebird Lanes
When you hear a classic alley is undergoing a $1 million overhaul, you fear the wrong things are going to receive the nip/tuck. Bluebird Lanes, formerly Laredo Lanes, actually put its money toward forwarding the bowling experience, putting the kibosh on gimmickry. In a bold investment counter–strike, owner Bill Brennan chose to modernize all the lanes and scoring systems but stopped short of adding the youth-friendly "cosmic bowling," a rock 'em, sock 'em mash–up of thumping bass, fog machines, day glo paint and black-lights.

He was a teen, too, Brennan says, and knows the crowd cosmic bowling brings. It's not the real-deal bowling audience Bluebird wishes to keep. Established in 1957, Bluebird caters to leagues and professionals, earning it the rep as the kind of lanes where 200 is a bowler's average and not a high-game aspiration. The owner puts the customer ratio at 60 percent completive bowlers, the remainder being divided among leisure and family outings, and a well-stocked arcade and bar helps put curious bowlers who wander in without their own ball or shoes at ease.

Timber Lanes
If Timber Lanes seems like a bar with a bowling alley grafted onto it, you're right. Timber Lanes stocked liquor, not bowling shoes when its doors opened in 1945. The owners knocked out the back wall soon after, adding the eight wee lanes that exist today. All wood panels and dimly lit charm, the cozy Timber Lanes may be small, but definitely packs a Lilliputian punch, cramming in about 16 dedicated leagues a week.

The appeal of the alley is obvious in the diversity of its patrons, which range from the blind league bowling of the Chicago Braille Center and the private nude bowling sessions of The Wind City Naturists to the debauched tournaments of full-contact bowlers Los Diablos Guapos. Besides close quarters and an ample supply of No. 2 pencils for hand scoring, Timber also boasts late-night black-light "glow bowling." Just don't call it cosmic bowling: There are no fog or smoke machines, and the only music streams from the jukebox's choice classic rock cuts.